You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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