dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
