One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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