I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
