On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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