I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
people are starting to question the shark bite story
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
