My brain says no but my pants say off.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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