I think my fart just growled at me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He shit in the fireplace
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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