I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was born a porn star she said
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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