Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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