I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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