I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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