Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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