Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
