I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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