Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
