i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
