I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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