His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
