a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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