My liver just broke up with me...
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it because I queefed?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
