Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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