Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
