i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
