i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
