listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
