im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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