I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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