I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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