I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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