wrigley field is MILF paradise
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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