I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
