Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize