just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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