My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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