Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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