Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
