I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she peed on how many people?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Randomize
