Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
