i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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