the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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