Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Life is so much better after having sex.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
