Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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