She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The adults are the big ones right?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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