IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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