i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
