The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
