So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
