Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
