Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
