So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
