I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
