Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
