I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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