i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
