I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So vagazzling was a success
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